Yesterday, was my baptism. I remember being baptized when I was 12, but this time felt different. I felt like You were calling me to do it again. As a teenager, I lost my way. I even told You that I would never pray again- all because I was acting out, frustrated that You didn’t give me what I wanted. What I remember wanting was a boy- someone You were probably trying to save me from. But I was just a girl, and I didn’t know any better.
All I wanted was to feel special.
All I wanted was attention.
All I ever wanted was to be loved.
I didn’t realize that all of this could be found in You. I was so angry, filled with resentment. I hated You, truly hated You. I thought You were a fraud, a lie, a fairy tale. I couldn’t fathom something so good being real, especially in a world so full of evil.
I used to pray to You every night as a little girl, falling asleep in the comfort of Your presence. But I stopped believing, I had to force myself to stop praying. I had to remind myself “Oh right, I don’t believe in you anymore.” I lost my way for the next 11 years afterward.
Then came a day I felt You calling me back home. I was broken and exhausted, my anger consuming me, turning me into someone I barely recognized. I hit rock bottom, but it was there that I found You- on my knees, begging to free me from that relationship. You were with me at my lowest point. You found me. You took my hand, lifted me up, and whispered, “I’ve been here all along. You just needed to find me.”
